Mark Wahlburg

Human, Actor, all-around-bad-ass, and United States President


Some critics say that Mark Wahlberg was handed the United States Presidency. His platform was simple…he was going to keep America the land of the free and home of the brave – he wanted to relax immigration, keep guns off the streets and out of children’s hands, keep the military strong and increase American Industry. He became President in 2017 after a late start and quickly overtook the double-talker and the fear-monger.

Markie Mark took the Presidency while just chilling out with Barrack Obama on camera. Obama and Wahlberg made it a smooth transition and Wahlberg started his term keeping the promise to take no shit from any big company and actually had no ties to them – he financed his campaign from his pocket and through the help of a few friends; a few friends no one knew he had, like Nicolas Cage, Keanu Reeves, Sylvester Stallone, and Anderson Cooper. He announced these contributors, as well as a dozen others who were just regular folks who contributed or wrote him letters of support when he took office. President-Elect Mark Wahlberg back-handedly called out Big Pharma when he told Fred and Mary Wright, two of the folks who wrote in a letter and donated a sum of $20, that he would see about setting their insurance to rights and dealing with the high cost of their prescriptions. Minutes later he called out the NRA, alerting them that he was going to go hard on guns, not because people don’t have a right to them, but because too many innocents died by them – it was time to take a stand. Markie Mark made a point of stating that he was going go ahead and end his speech there, but if anybody had questions, he had a bit of time…that alone almost led to a riot among the free press. But one kid, walked in the aisle and raised his hand. Mark called on him and ordered the clamor to settle down, that he could handle everybody’s questions, and asked the kid what he wanted to ask him. The boy asked about the guns and why the Wrights would get special stuff. Mark answered back that while he didn’t like guns, some of the movies he played in had fake guns and fake violence, and that he understood some folks do like guns, but that many people who didn’t do anything bad were hurt by somebody who used guns that shouldn’t have had them, and by some people who had them and used them and probably should not have. He talked about how older people who retire have to live on what they saved, and rising medical costs and pill costs take away more and more of that savings; and how he wanted to help those folks by making their insurance and pills cheaper so that they could live a little easier. The boy seemed to understand and asked if that would help his grandpa, to which Mark responded positively. The Press then started raising their hands and asking questions, and Mark patiently answered one question per reporter going on across the line. When time ran long and everyone got tired, Mark asked for everyone else to write in, that he could probably answer most of them in a Press conference. He apologized but said that he needed to tuck in his kids and left.

Conspiracy Theorists already have the rumor mill in full swing saying that “The Immortal Cabal placed a figurehead on the Throne!”, to which Wahlberg made the comment, “I get a throne? I thought it was just an office chair!” The press had a field day and everyone could see Barrack’s forehead just crave his palm.


Markie Mark’s life history is public knowledge for the most part. Now President Wahlberg does have a secret side to his life, but it is some things he actually doesn’t remember.

Mark Wahlburg

The Tapestry of Terror XanAbbott XanAbbott